Sunday, October 24, 2010

A journey of growth, enlightenment and self awareness ...

So, here's the thing.  I am 38, a mom of three wonderful children, married for 15 years to a man I love dearly and I feel like I'm lost.  I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I have become -- fat ... ugly ... sad.  Yep, that's me.  It has been years since I cared about my hairstyle or wearing makeup -- you don't need that to raise kids, and working as an LPN is hard work -- the makeup would run and streak as I sweated.  No good -- no fun.
I consider myself a decent mom -- maybe not the world's best wife -- but I do the best I can.   I'm tired a lot, and after hurting my back at work a year and a half ago and having surgery, I have gained a LOT of weight and I just have no energy to do anything about it.  I have tried walking, but the pain in my leg (nerve related thanks to the back injury) makes even that difficult for me.  I haven't worked in a year and a half and money is very tight, especially since Worker's Comp decided to play hardball and cut my checks when I couldn't make it in my work-hardening program. The pain caused by the program was awful, and when I told the therapist, he said, "some things we have to just learn to live with ..."  I cried myself to sleep that night, and a few more since, because I don't want to live with this much pain, but I have no option -- as I said, I'm a mom of three.
So -- that brings me to why this blog is being born.  I am on a journey to find myself again -- to be the woman I was many years ago  -- to realize that I am more than a wife, and more than a mother -- that I am a woman -- a person with needs and desires, with dreams and feelings.  I want to stop existing and start living ...
What does this entail, you ask?  I actually don't know -- I think it will be a work in progress.  I know that at 5'2, I weigh right at 300 pounds.  Since I can't grow taller, I guess I'm going to have to find a way to get thinner.  This is going to be an interesting challenge -- I'm post-menopausal with what appears to be *no* metabolism.  I hurt too much for much physical exercise right now -- so I'm sure this part of the journey is going to have to start with diet control.
Another part of my journey is going to be taking care of me.  I spend much of some day sin pajamas -- only getting dressed when I have to.  No makeup, no haircare -- just pajamas and the internet and cooking and cleaning.  I'm going to make some progress in this department as well.
I'm going to try to follow my dreams.  I have always wanted to travel -- in fact, I have always wanted a career that involved traveling.  I would love to have a job that pays me to travel to Chicago or LA or even to Europe.  I would love to use my knowledge of Central and Eastern Europe, continue to improve my language skills and be able to work in the region that I love.  Those jobs exist -- certain types of Consultants travel all over.  I will soon graduate with a BS in Geography and minor in Economics -- I know spatial perspective, I know the economy.  Perhaps I will go on in the future to Grad School -- I've been checking out George Mason's International Commerce and Policy Program -- looks fantastic.  Maybe if I loose a bunch of weight, I can get a Consultant job and actually live my dream .. ;)
Anyway -- the journey starts today.  I am going to lose this weight any way that I can.   I'm going to keep learning my favorite languages -- Russian and Czech -- and maybe sometime soon I can travel a little and experience other cultures.  I'm going to graduate on schedule and hopefully land an excellent job, and then, in the future, possibly Grad school.  I'm going to keep being the mom I am, and maybe work on being a better wife.  But most of all, I'm going to work on finding out who I am and bringing her back.
This is a journey about life and rediscovery.  This is a journey of dreams and future.  Please join me and we can journey together :).
Thanks for reading my blog -- your comments are welcome!

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