Thursday, November 4, 2010

So glad I had surgery on my back ...

It's after midnight.  I'm awake again -- two nights in a row with no sleep.  My leg is hurting so bad I can barely stand on it.  I've taken my Lyrica and my pain meds, and so far, no relief.  When I lay down, the pain runs from my left buttock to the ball of my foot, and the last two toes on my left foot just throb.  When I sit, I feel like I have a toothache running down my leg.  Ok, that might not be the best way to say it, but it's the only way I can describe it.
The Doctor has assured me more than once that the surgery freed the nerve.  He says what I am feeling now is nerve damage that will slowly get better. I believer that the pain is worse than it was before I had the surgery -- it fixed nothing.
I am not a weak person.  I got through my hysterectomy surgery with almost no medicine at all - I was up walking in a matter of hours.  I have survived my gall bladder out, and my appendix out.  I have chronic pain in my neck and my family Doc says I have Fibromyalgia -- which causes wide spread pain around my body -- I think they say it's inflammation of the connective tissue.  I live with that on a daily basis.  This pain, I find myself thinking, I can't live with.  I'm too tired to cry.  I just want to sleep and forget about it for a little while.  I'm so very glad I went through that back surgery.  I'm glad I suffered through a summer of deep pain, a surgical wound that didn't want to heal, and an inability to enjoy even the most simple forms of fun with my kids. I feel lied to.  I feel like giving up.
I'm sorry for whining, if anyone does stumble across this blog.  I needed somewhere to vent my pain, and didn't want to cry all over my facebook page.  I'm not looking for sympathy or even understanding.  I just needed to vent.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Cold weather and leg pain -- connected?

It's a curious thing.  When I was younger, I always heard people say, "my leg hurts, I guess it's going to snow," or "I can tell by the pain in my back that rain is coming."  I always thought it was the whining of the elderly -- that it was their imagination, or even their way of holding over us  younger folk that we needed to do more, because they were in pain.
I'm not that old.  I'm 38.  My leg is killing me -- and it's almost always worse when it's cool or when it's damp.  I find myself stumped by this for two reasons.  First -- how does that even happen?  How can a body part predict weather -- I totally new it was going to storm the other day -- it was weird.  The other thing is, I LOVE snow and when I finish college, I have dreamed of moving to some place like Vermont or Wisconsin and getting me a nice little place with a fireplace, where I can come home and stare at the snow for hours.  Do I need to sacrifice my dream for comfort, or will I, in fact, learn to live with the pain? 
I was born in Pennsylvania, and we used to get pretty good snows there.  I'd say they still do, but it seems like it is less and less every year.  I lived in California for several years and really loved it there, but of course, I had to give up on the snow.  Here in Tennessee, we get flurries, and occasionally as much as an inch, but it's gone the next day.  I want to live somewhere where it REALLY snows.  Like - the kind of snow where everyone telecommutes on bad days, and you buy groceries for a month at a time because you don't know when you'll get out again.
It is the end of October here in Tennessee.  The leaves are beautiful, but we still have plants flowering.  A few days ago, we hit a record high of 83.  My guess (and fear) is that we won't have much of a winter this year. I guess I should be grateful, because maybe my leg will hurt less.  Anyway -- I just though I would share the fact that temperature and weather really does make a difference -- people can act as human barometers. 
Time to continue on the journey -- see ya next time!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A journey of growth, enlightenment and self awareness ...

So, here's the thing.  I am 38, a mom of three wonderful children, married for 15 years to a man I love dearly and I feel like I'm lost.  I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I have become -- fat ... ugly ... sad.  Yep, that's me.  It has been years since I cared about my hairstyle or wearing makeup -- you don't need that to raise kids, and working as an LPN is hard work -- the makeup would run and streak as I sweated.  No good -- no fun.
I consider myself a decent mom -- maybe not the world's best wife -- but I do the best I can.   I'm tired a lot, and after hurting my back at work a year and a half ago and having surgery, I have gained a LOT of weight and I just have no energy to do anything about it.  I have tried walking, but the pain in my leg (nerve related thanks to the back injury) makes even that difficult for me.  I haven't worked in a year and a half and money is very tight, especially since Worker's Comp decided to play hardball and cut my checks when I couldn't make it in my work-hardening program. The pain caused by the program was awful, and when I told the therapist, he said, "some things we have to just learn to live with ..."  I cried myself to sleep that night, and a few more since, because I don't want to live with this much pain, but I have no option -- as I said, I'm a mom of three.
So -- that brings me to why this blog is being born.  I am on a journey to find myself again -- to be the woman I was many years ago  -- to realize that I am more than a wife, and more than a mother -- that I am a woman -- a person with needs and desires, with dreams and feelings.  I want to stop existing and start living ...
What does this entail, you ask?  I actually don't know -- I think it will be a work in progress.  I know that at 5'2, I weigh right at 300 pounds.  Since I can't grow taller, I guess I'm going to have to find a way to get thinner.  This is going to be an interesting challenge -- I'm post-menopausal with what appears to be *no* metabolism.  I hurt too much for much physical exercise right now -- so I'm sure this part of the journey is going to have to start with diet control.
Another part of my journey is going to be taking care of me.  I spend much of some day sin pajamas -- only getting dressed when I have to.  No makeup, no haircare -- just pajamas and the internet and cooking and cleaning.  I'm going to make some progress in this department as well.
I'm going to try to follow my dreams.  I have always wanted to travel -- in fact, I have always wanted a career that involved traveling.  I would love to have a job that pays me to travel to Chicago or LA or even to Europe.  I would love to use my knowledge of Central and Eastern Europe, continue to improve my language skills and be able to work in the region that I love.  Those jobs exist -- certain types of Consultants travel all over.  I will soon graduate with a BS in Geography and minor in Economics -- I know spatial perspective, I know the economy.  Perhaps I will go on in the future to Grad School -- I've been checking out George Mason's International Commerce and Policy Program -- looks fantastic.  Maybe if I loose a bunch of weight, I can get a Consultant job and actually live my dream .. ;)
Anyway -- the journey starts today.  I am going to lose this weight any way that I can.   I'm going to keep learning my favorite languages -- Russian and Czech -- and maybe sometime soon I can travel a little and experience other cultures.  I'm going to graduate on schedule and hopefully land an excellent job, and then, in the future, possibly Grad school.  I'm going to keep being the mom I am, and maybe work on being a better wife.  But most of all, I'm going to work on finding out who I am and bringing her back.
This is a journey about life and rediscovery.  This is a journey of dreams and future.  Please join me and we can journey together :).
Thanks for reading my blog -- your comments are welcome!